I used to come on the blog just to write & I miss that, so today- that’s what I am doing. No fancy graphics, no bulleted list, just some good old fashion WRITING.
I actually was reading my diary from HIGHSCHOOL tonight, all up in my feels, & I wrote something very wise for a freshman in highschool which was buried amongst messy handwriting talking about a boy I liked, how obsessed with my friends I was, how much I hated my friends, & how my mom was SUPPPPER annoying for grounding me on a Friday night (which honestly, shocked me & made me sad. Mom- I take it back, you’re the best).
I DIGRESS, already, so- here was the wise little snippet that caught my eye the most:
“Writing is like therapy if you write what you feel, you write the truth, you write details, & you write often.” -Erica Stolman, age 15.
IDK where the f*ck my pre-pubescent self came up with that little gem, but I am proud of her. Smart lil’ thing (minus the fact I wrote write underneath I was getting c’s in Spanish & just SooOoOoO upset). I just wanna hug my 15 year old self & tell her to never stop writing… but she did, she stopped & she thought more about clickbait worthy titles, providing valuable information, & content content content.
She got caught up, and she forgot the therapeutic importance of writing shit down. Well, she’s back. Starting with this post & thinking I am gonna order myself a journal. My handwriting is still horrible, but I could really use that easy access therapy right about now. We all could. Ya?
Shit is weird right now. Actually, I take that back, shit is tragic. It’s terrifying. It’s sad. It’s unknown territory… & it’s also very very confusing. While somedays it feels like there is hope just around the corner, other days feel like returning to “normal” is a pipe dream.
For someone with severe anxiety, I’d like to say it hits different, but I actually have a weird theory about anxious people during a pandemic. It actually hits… pretty much the same.
I have had anxiety since I was 7, you can read my whole anxiety story here if you need a background check, but this actually feels like a situation my entire life has prepared me for.
Here is how I see it- anxious people, such as myself, are worst case scenario thinkers & planners. Let me explain with an example…
A couple years ago I went to a friends house in a town called La Jolla. It’s a beautiful little boujee beach town. Dare I say, it’s the Rodeo Drive of San Diego? It’s where the celebs go when they visit, Kris Jenner’s mom lived there for years, &… I am personally not a fan. No offense to any of my La Jolla peeps, it’s a beautiful place, but I just feel claustrophobic every time I am there. To get in & out of La Jolla, there is one road in & it’s always backed up with traffic… giving me a “stuck” feeling whenever I am there.
SO- when I went to this house to hang out with a friend, I got there & I could NOT stop thinking what the hell they would do if there was a tsunami. I asked if they had a plan & I literally couldn’t leave that house until we made a full evacuation plan, ya know- just in case that random tsunami hit.
This is just one of example of the many times I worst case plan & while I actually have not made a plan in my head for Global Pandemic (honestly, never thought I’d see the day), I am handling it… better than I thought.
I am an introvert 85% of the time & love being at home, so “shelter at home” has been easy. Dare I say- relaxing? Leading up to quarantine, I felt overwhelmed. I was stressed all the time. My sleep schedule was shit. I never had enough hours in the day to get done what needed to get done. Now, I have that. While I still feel busy a lot of the time (I make ridiculous to-do list’s for myself daily to keep me on track) & I am actually up at 1:09am writing this post, overall- my stress levels are down. I feel like I can actually relax, read, & take a one hour bath if I want to. That has been extremely beneficial for my mental health.
But that does not mean I don’t have my struggles & moments of panic. I just don’t have them anymore than usual. I have bad days, today was a bad day actually. Zack & I are bickering because we have no space from each other, our wedding plans are an absolute mess right now, I miss my Mom so much, I miss my family so much, my Dad is struggling right now because he is ALL alone in Vegas, I worry things will never be the same, people are saying don’t trust the government, government is saying don’t trust the people, everything is so unknown & that causes me to spiral. Some days I just lay on the floor & cry, a lot.
Those are the days, I know that my ONLY priority is caring for myself. I don’t care if I miss a workout for a week straight or I don’t post on Instagram or I ignore my email inbox or neglect the dishes.
THERE IS ALWAYS TOMORROW, is what I tell myself. I cut myself some slack & I do whatever makes me feel good. Which looks different, depending on the day.
♡ Someday’s that means getting all dressed up & creating content.
♡ Someday’s that means binge watching 90 day fiance.
♡ Someday’s that means re-reading my own post on somatic therapy to fine tune my skills.
♡ Someday’s that means reading a book in the bath until my skin looks like a prune & the water is cold.
♡ Someday’s that means cleaning the house from top to bottom.
♡ Someday’s that means I lash out on Zack.
♡ Someday’s that means I need him to hug me 30 times a day.
♡ Someday’s that means calling my Mom and/or Face-timing everyone I know.
♡ Someday’s that means eating a whole bag of flaming hot Cheetos in one sitting.
♡ … & when all else fails, I text my therapist & ask her if we can set up a virtual appointment.
YOU GET THE POINT, I do things that makes me feel good & I take all the pressure off of myself to focus on just getting my groove back & I promise you- it always comes back. It can take an hour of self care, sometime a few days, maybe even a week if things are really rough… but Stella ALWAYS gets her groove back.
& if you’re reading this cause you’re in a funk, just know this- I see you, I feel you, & you are not alone. You WILL get your groove back, if you care for yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Get off social media if everyone is making you feel like they are just SoOoOoOo much more productive than you. It’s a highlight reel, remember that.
& ya know what else you can do? WRITE IT OUT.
I feel like the weight of a thousand pounds has been lifted off my shoulders. I am not gonna re-read this post, because I know I will start deleting the vulnerable parts & I don’t want to do that. I let these words flow & I want them untouched by my self doubt. I am gonna end this here, almost…
Before I sign off & go to bed (it’s now 1:30am), I want to give you guys a few practical blog posts/ideas if you’re struggling with your mental health.
+ 5 effective af tips & tricks for dealing with a panic attack… like a bo$$
+ my anxiety triggers, phobias, & how i cope
+ & LASTLY: Crisis Text Hotline! I just learned about this & think it’s an amazing resource. If you are struggling & need to talk to a professional- just text HOME to 741741. It’s free & it’s available 24/7.