Earlier today I got a DM on Instagram asking me my experience being when it comes to relationships & anxiety. I then went to stories & asked if I should post on this subject- all but 2 people voted yes to this post.
I started to write this post & got stuck. There are so many directions this conversation can go in & I couldn’t pick one… SO, I asked my audience on Instagram to ask me specific questions & I am using this post to answer ALL of them. That said, this will be set up like an interview, with myself. This will help me keep my thoughts in order & address your guys’ SPECIFIC questions. READY?
Relationships and Anxiety Q & A
☆ Q: How do you tell someone you’re in a new relationship with you have anxiety?
If it’s casual dating, there is no need to put all the cards on the table right away. If you are in a situation where you feel comfortable sharing, make sure the time/setting is right. A crowded bar or intimate restaurant probably isn’t the place, set a date to take your dog to the beach/park/somewhere casual & just ease it into the conversation. Ask him questions & throw in, “what scares you?”. Your partner will answer & then most likely ask it back to you & boom- you’ve got your opening.
Don’t make a huge fuss about it, tell him you deal with anxiety when it comes to certain situations & that although sometimes you need support, you’ve got it handled. Ask if they know anyone with anxiety & if not, tell them they can always ask you questions if they want to know more! Honestly, the bigger deal you make it, the bigger deal it will be.
☆ Q: How does Zack handle your anxiety in your relationship?
At first, not gonna lie, Zack didn’t fully get it. He never knew someone who struggled with anxiety on a serious level & he has a REALLY positive thinking attitude so I did feel there was a bit of “brush it off” vibe sometimes. Also, I don’t remember really telling him about my anxiety, I think I just had an anxious moment & explained it later. Anxiety wasn’t high for me in the “honeymoon stage”, so there was never a reason to bring it up.
When Zack & I went to Europe the first time, I had a really hard time on the plane & he just didn’t get it. He was sweet, but at one point, I felt he was a little frustrated. He was exhausted & I couldn’t stop crying. Before we went on a long trip again, I took him with me to a couple of therapy sessions so the therapist could help explain to him how it feels for me + give him practical things he can do to help. That was SO helpful for us.
Present day, he is an anxiety pro! He knows how to calm me down when I am stressed & is very supportive. I always know I can go to him & he will do his best to help me feel safe & comfortable, which is more then I could ever ask for… but it did take a little work getting to this point!
☆ Q: How do you deal with your significant other telling you to “not give life to it”? What if he/she just thinks you’re crazy? How do you get them to empathize & understand it better?
All of the above were three different questions that I merged into one because I got a TON of variations of that same question.
You can’t be mad if someone doesn’t grasp what it means to have anxiety, you can only educate them. Like I said, Zack had that “don’t give life to it” attitude & that was not his fault. He didn’t know any different. I explained to him what it felt like, I was honest about it, & when I felt like he needed some more tools to understand- I brought him to therapy with me. I know not everyone would be open to that, but if he/she is not willing to understand more, I hate to say it- they might not be the one for you.
You need to find someone who, even if they don’t understand firsthand, is empathetic to it & willing to educate themselves on how to support you better. If you are dating someone who is constantly calling you crazy (my ex LOVED to call me crazy & I will talk more in detail on this in a following question) in a spiteful way- dump his/her ass. That is just really cruel. If they said it once & it was a joke, tell them the first rule when dealing with someone who has anxiety, don’t call them crazy.
☆ Q: How to explain when you are having anxiety without coming off as crazy?
You are not crazy!!!! I get it though, It’s always uncomfortable to pull your partner aside & tell them you are actually freaking out. If you’re in a social situation, you may even feel bad pulling him away from his friends/the fun. As for me, I wouldn’t pull Zack away unless it was REALLY bad. I’d go get some fresh air or splash some water on my face & try to take some deep breaths first, if that doesn’t help, I will just tap Zack on the shoulder & ask him to come talk to me.
If you’re dating someone SOLID, they will most likely be appreciative you trusted them enough. If you’re dating a douche who would rather take shots with his friends in the bar, get in an Uber & call your Mom.
☆ Q: Do you worry about having kids in the future & how that will effect your anxiety/relationship?
YES! I have a lot of anxiety over having children in general (read more about that here). I worry about the entire process in general & I really worry about how I will be after. I definitely feel like I am prone to Postpartum depression so that is a concern & I just worry if I will be super on edge & Zack will have to pick up the slack big time. It’s such a huge life change that I just feel nervous about, but luckily for me- my sister is a midwife so I will have TONS of support when the time comes.
☆ Q: How to explain you are having an “off” day but you know they had a long/hard days at work?
You can’t let your anxiety overtake your entire life & your relationships. I know, sometimes it’s overwhelming, but just a shift in your thought process in ANY way can help. Ask your partner how THEIR day was before talking about how bad your anxiety is. It will help you get your mind off things & when they ask you back how your day was, feel free to share… just don’t make it all about your anxiety all the time. That will get old, quick.
☆ Q: How do you make sure you’re not an emotional vampire to your partner? I don’t want to be such a burden about it.
See above!! Don’t give your anxiety all that power. If you are at the place in life where all you can think or talk about is your anxiety, get some professional help. It’s just not a healthy way to live & there is better out there!! Not sure if you are an emotional vampire? Read this post!
That being said, if you are with someone who is empathetic, it shouldn’t ever be a burden. This is your partner & they need to learn to be supportive. Take them with you to therapy so they can better understand OR send them really informative articles so they can educate themselves better.
☆ Q: How do you become your own support system so you don’t have to rely so much on your significant other?
Go to therapy & find ways to cope that work for you! I found somatic therapy & acupuncture to be SUPER beneficial when it comes to easing my anxiety. You can rely on your partner, but you definitely don’t want them to be your crutch 24/7, that can really kill the romance vibe. Learn more about my experience with somatic therapy here.
☆ Q: How do you deal with anxiety when it comes to him being faithful & trust your parnter? My past gives me anxiety…
SAME! My ex was a real asshole. I plan to share this story someday, but let’s just say, it’s the guy your parents warned you about but you can’t get away. He was unfaithful, manipulative, & loved to call me crazy. He could be sweet & caring, when he wanted to be… & although he handled my anxiety, well he would also use it against me.
When I met Zack, I brought this baggage with me & still carry some of it. Relationships, especially the hard ones, stick with you longer than you think. My best advice is to talk to a therapist about the emotional baggage you carry & try to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. I personally believe in manifestation & if you are going through your partners phone when he is not looking (a habit that took me a long time to break), you are manifesting things will go south. Not saying it will turn him into a cheater, but it will cause so much strain in your relationship & he will end up not trusting you.
THAT BEING SAID, you also have to trust your gut. If you have a reason to be jealous & are feeling uncertain about his intentions, your gut could be trying to tell you something & that can also feel a lot like anxiety. You just need to be able to differentiate between the two based on that relationship.
☆ Q: What do you share about medication or therapy?
I share that I take medicine for my anxiety openly because I just don’t think it’s a big deal. I look at medication as being responsible. If you had a medical condition, such as a Thyroid disorder (I’ve got that too), it would be irresponsible to ignore it. If anything, I think it should show your partner you’ve got it under control.
☆ Q: I have bad anxiety & my boyfriend doesn’t understand that meds help. Does yours?
A lot of people don’t understand it & they may never will. I don’t judge people for that, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I know what’s best for me/my body, & whoever your partner is, they need to respect that. I just asked Zack if it ever bother him & he said no- he trusted me & my decisions. After 7 years of being together he has seen my emotions when I miss my pills (which I really NEVER do), & he fully understands it. He just wants me to do what is best for me.
☆ Q: When your anxiety says to run for self preservation how do you deal with staying & fighting for the one?
AGAIN- you have to differentiate if this is your gut telling you to run because this person is bad news or just your anxiety getting in the way again. If you know it’s your anxiety, just fucking ignore it & keep yourself busy in your exciting new relationship.
Consider going to therapy so you can learn how to cope & potentially figure out why you have a tendency to run OR try out some yoga/meditation/acupuncture (acupuncture is amazing for anxiety!!!). Whatever works for you, do that, you can’t let the anxiety take over your life & relationships.
☆ Q: How do you deal with sometimes having anxiety hit right before and event/date night?
I’m not dating anymore, but sometimes I do get anxiety when Zack & I are going out. I also remember getting anxiety before dates when I didn’t know the person super well. Honestly, this probably isn’t the world’s best advice, but have a glass of wine to calm your nerves. I don’t even like drinking, but can’t lie, this helps!! Just don’t go overboard on a first date/new relationship, anxiety can cause you to drink a little too much & that’s not a cute look when getting to know someone.