Not to be dramatic, but I have dreamt of the day I could finally write this post… a day where having issues with my sleep was a thing of the past. I don’t want to jinx myself, because this all pretty new, but I think I might be FINALLY on the road to having a healthy relationship with sleep & I’m just really really happy about it.

Sleep has been an issue of mine for as long as I can remember. I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder when I was 6 years old, and I clearly recall so much of that anxiety having something to do with sleep- the dread I would feel approaching bedtime, being away from my parents (even if they were upstairs), the feeling of missing out on something (fomo while asleep?), the idea of not being awake in case something bad happened- my little kid brain was working overtime when it came to bedtime.

There was one thing that brought me comfort- and that was the television. If my Dad was in the living room, I could hear him watching tv & it made me feel safe…. and from there, the TV became my security blanket. He eventually started to just leave the sleep timer on the TV, but I caught on & was sneaking up into my parents room ever single night.

Eventually my Dad got me my very own handheld television- it was the size of a walkie talkie, the antennas expanded two feet long, it only got 2 channels, & they were both Spanish speaking, but… it worked, sorta. The TV got me to sleep, but then there is was the issue of waking up.

I can best sum up my sleep vibe as- hate to fall asleep, love it once I’m there.

This burdened me throughout all of my elementary/junior/highschool years, but it was when I got into college that shit got real. I no longer had Linda Stolman coming in my room every morning literally pulling me out of bed & I struggled hard. This was when I really became aware that my sleep problems have real life consequences… but I just adjusted my class schedule & went on my merry way of having a horrific sleep scheduled.

I was the master of finding ways to make my life fit my sleep schedule, but when I graduated college and entered the elusive “real world”… I couldn’t do that anymore.  I got a big girl job, & as a congratulatory gift, my dad bought me an alarm that literally rolled off my dresser & all around the house till I turned it off. His lovely way of saying “don’t get fired, please”. The alarm worked, I didn’t get fired, but it didn’t take me that long to realize the 9-5 world was not for me. The world of blogging was calling & I couldn’t throw that alarm clock away quick enough. I was back to my old sleep habits in no time & it’s been that way… until about a month ago if we’re being honest.

Quarantine was my breaking point. Things really spiraled out of control. The anxiety, the fear, the isolation, the not seeing my family- it threw me off, and my sleep pattern went from bad to worse. Some nights I wasn’t falling asleep till 4:00-4:30am & then I’d wake up at noon. I’d open my eyes, look at the clock, and just break down in tears. Waking up feeling so disappointed with yourself is really a bad way to start the day, & I knew I needed help.

I wasn’t sure if I was an insomniac, or if my circadian rhythm was just too far gone, but I knew for sure that this was beyond me being able to fix on my own & I had enough. I needed a professional to get me back on track, for the sake of my health- both mentally & physically.

SO, I DID SOMETHING I SHOULD’VE DONE A LONG TIME AGO… I MADE AN APPOINTMENT WITH A SLEEP DOCTOR

… & um, it changed my life?!?!?!

For the past two weeks, I have woken up everyday at 8am HAPPILY/without a struggle. This is a whole new world for me! I have never understood people who roll out of bed in the morning with a smile on their face… UNTIL NOW. I get it, I am that person, and it’s f*cking amazing. 

SO- my first call with the sleep doctor was pretty straight forward. We met virtually (she is a saint- feel free to email me if you want her info!), I broke down for her my life long history of horrific sleep, she said she is confident this is a circadian rhythm issue versus insomnia & the fix should be pretty easy. My first homework item was to fill out a sleep diary for two weeks so she could see what we’re working with.

This helped us get an idea of what my overall average was for sleeping, which was bleak. It looked like, for the most part, I was fall asleep at 3:30am & waking up at 11:00 am. OUCH. I was mortified, if we’re being honest, but she came up with a really DOABLE plan of action for me.

HOW I ADJUSTED MY CIRCADIAN RHYTHM & PUSHED BACK MY SLEEP SCHEDULE

1. track your patterns:

we continued with the sleep diary throughout the entire process & this was very helpful for me to see where I was at on a daily basis. This is a similar sleep diary you can download & print. The idea is to shade the areas from when you fall asleep to when you wake up so you can visually see your sleep pattern. See above :)

2. get yourself into sleep debt:

now, once you know your average sleep pattern, you can start to make small adjustments. The sleep specialist explained to me that, when there is a circadian rhythm issue, the goal is to go into what is called SLEEP DEBT. So- for this to happen, the only thing I needed to shift was my wake up time.

On average, I was waking up at 11am, so she only wanted me to do ONE thing for two weeks- wake up at 10:30am. I could still go to bed at whatever time I wanted- but I just HAD to get up at 10:30 no matter what (this sounds ridiculous, I know- but sleep problems are no joke). The idea was that I’d go into what is called “sleep debt” where I’d be SO damn tired from losing that extra 30 minutes of sleep, that I’d have to go to bed earlier. And we’d continue to push the wake up call my 30 minutes, as soon as I mastered the first 30 minutes.

3. the pre-bedtime “vacation” & sleep prep: 

she also wanted me to take a pre-bedtime “vacation” as she called it. Meaning that the hour before bed, I would get off the phone/computer and only watch a light relaxing show. She instructed I turn the lights off completely during this hour, take some oral melatonin, & just sit and relax.

I know I needed this, because the blue light from all my electronics was tricking my brain into think it’s daytime & really throwing off that circadian rhythm- but this one was hard for me. I am a multitasker by nature & I like to work till the very last second. Not to mention, because I was waking up way too late so my days were very stressful. I was always rushing to get things done, and working until the very last possible second. This pre-bedtime “vacation” was a tough one for me. After years of working the way I work, I literally forgot how to sit on the couch & watch tv while doing nothing else.

***To be fair, I have NOT mastered this step, I still sometimes work until my head hits the pillow. Work in progress, which brings to me the FINAL step that actually changed the game for me!!

4. the morning reward (!!!!!) :

ALRIGHT- even though I was working on the above the best I could, after my first 3 weeks, the doctor didn’t see a ton of progress in my sleep diary.

Somedays I would be good & wake up on time per her instruction, but it wasn’t steady. I was frustrated with myself, and she recommended that maybe I try a light sleeping pill. This put a fire under my ass. I don’t like taking Advil, so there was no way I was going to take a pill for sleep. I asked her for 3 more weeks & then…. I figured it all out.

SO- how I was trying to wake up at this point was with the help of Zack. He’d come in, bring me my favorite drink (Rise Nitro Oat Milk London Fog in a can), turn on my Beyonce record, and check back in 10 minutes to make sure I am up. It worked, but it just didn’t feel like it was gonna be a lasting change for me.

Then, one day, he came into the room with my daily drink & sat on the bed to wake me up. He started telling me about the amazing walk he had around the lake & my ears perked up. I wanted to walk around the lake with him in the morning!! I said “wake me up for tomorrow’s walk” & he said- “are you sure? I go at 8am & have to be back by 9:15am- so you HAVE to get up when I wake you!”.

I said, yes please, wake me up. I will get up. I want that walk… & the next day, I woke up. Easy. The prospect of a walk around a beautiful lake changed the entire game for me. I don’t know why, or how, but ever since that first walk- I have been up at 8am walking about 2 miles around the lake.

I went from literally not being able to get out of bed to literally wearing a waist trainer while speed walking around the lake & I F*CKING LOVE IT.

I have now successfully entered the world of sleep debt, which means I am so exhausted by 1am that I literally can’t keep my eyes open. It is awesome. After years of struggling, I have FINALLY shifted my circadian rhythm & it feels amazing.

I start my day in way that just feels so healthy, sets the tone for my day, and it shows in my productivity levels. I honestly never thought I’d see the day where I got up at 8am with a smile on my face, but here we are!! It’s beyond amazing & for the first time in a long time, I am really honestly truly proud of myself. Which feels damn good :)