If you follow me on Instagram, you already know this, but if you don’t- my baby girl Bitzy passed away last week & I really have not been my best self. Hence, the radio silence.
If you’re not a dog person, that’s okay, but to understand all the words in this post… you need to be a dog person. Not sure how, but there are people out there who thinks dogs are “JUST dogs”. The people who don’t understand the heartache when a dog dies.
People who say “atleast it wasn’t a family member”.
People who say “just get a new one”.
People who say “atleast you still have your other dog”.
People who say “he/she was super old”.
Note to everyone, dog person or not, these aren’t the best things to say.
It was a family member. They can’t be replaced. It doesn’t matter if you have 10 dogs. I know my dog was old, thank you very much.
If you have said any of these things to me, it’s okay. There really is no right thing to say to someone. People grieving can’t answer the question “what can I do to help?”, you just have to do things. Bring food, bring them a stuffed animal that looks like their lost pet (I got this as a gift today & it is actually the most helpful gift), bring them a weighted blanket w/ lavendar (another great gift I got), send flowers or succulents (succulents don’t die & people always get flowers!).
*our last day together*
Just some ideas, but back to my sweet Bitzy.
This is long & detailed. It’s sad. It’s what happened. I know some people may think… why not share the good stuff & leave this out? Well… because when Bitzy was sick I googled so many things & I think in some odd way if I stumbled across this post, it would have given me some solace.
Honestly… this post started as a letter to Bitzy & it still is (at the end of the post). It’s a beautiful & really positive letter about our life together. When I got to writing the “intro” to this post, to be completely honest, this story is just what came out of my fingers. I guess I just needed to write it all out for my own well being. I don’t know, but I definitely didn’t intend on sharing all of this. It just happened.
Okay. here goes… (also, lots of pictures of my sweet girl, which are making me so happy & so sad at the same time)
*some of my favorite photos of B*
It’s been exactly one week since Bitzy passed & exactly two weeks since her first seizure.
If you’re dog has a seizure, it is traumatic as fuck & the vet won’t seem too concerned. It’s not their fault, canine seizures are pretty common, but I knew the second Bitzy had a seizure, as I calmly (*how the fuck I was calm, idk. Mom strength kicked in*) held her & soothed her, that something was seriously wrong.
I have been scared to death of something seriously happening to Bitzy since the day I got her. I had a chihuahua before B who died from getting into rat poison at 6 months old. This traumatic experience & loss had me on edge & extremely protective for all of Bitzy’s life. If she barked funny, I was at the emergency vet.
Unfortunately, a handful of things happened to Bitzy in her life more serious than a funny bark. Collapsing trachea, dislocating knees, eating things she shouldn’t have, a cancer scare, a dog attack… etc. Bitzy went through some shit, but she was TOUGH & always came through.
So… although she just had a seizure & I knew something was wrong, I deep down thought she’d come through. She always came through.
We went straight to the vet & they did blood work. Her blood work came back normal, which was not a good sign. Something off with her blood work could be fixed, but in an old dog, this meant is was likely in her brain. The plan was to send us home & see if she had another one. There was a tiny chance this was a fluke.
I left thinking, praise G-d let this be a fluke & also was racking my brain for all things that could be signs something was wrong with her brain. When dogs seize, they poop. A few days prior we woke up to a poop in the room. SHE NEVER POOPS IN THE ROOM. She probably had a seizure that night & we didn’t know. She also had a sore neck a few months ago that was really painful for her. We started acupuncture & it went away, but was that a symptom? Her vision has been going as well. This could be related to the brain.
I was a mess & sadly, it wasn’t a fluke.
Zack thinks she may have had a small seizure the following Wednesday but I didn’t see it & she didn’t poop. Also, as soon as he picked her up, she came to. Maybe that one was a back scratch? Not sure & never will be. Either way, we didn’t go to the vet. She seemed fine.
I was by her side 24/7. She slept in her crate next to my bed in case something happened (I didn’t sleep for this whole week). I was staring at her constantly. Every time she moved or got up, I was on my toes thinking she was about to seize. I had a seizure plan in place & was ready for it to happen again. We had valium if it lasted too long, cold towels in the fridge (body heat goes up when they seize & that’s the biggest risk), a slew of new supplements to support her liver/brain, extra strength CBD capsules, I was whipping up turmeric paste at 11pm, we were doing EVERYTHING.
By Thursday I was more calm because I really didn’t think what Zack explained was a seizure so I thought we were seizure free. Then Friday at 3pm she had a small seizure. Zack came home early & we basically just watched her. At 5pm, she had a pretty big seizure. Zack saw it & handled it so well. We got towels on her & it ended pretty quick. We thought we could take her to the vet in the morning as they were now closed & we knew the seizures weren’t life threatening. But at 11pm, she had another grand mal seizure. We were now experiencing “clusture seizures”. There is a pre-seizure stage, the seizure itself, & the post-seizure phase. Bitzy wasn’t able to come out of the post-seizure phase before another seizure hit.
We decided it was time to go to the emergency vet. She was pretty out of it & they suggested she stay there for the night & we transfer to our vet in the morning. They started her on Keppra, an anti-seizure med which they told us once she starts she can NEVER stop or miss a dose. She needed it 3x a day. This was scary, but if it stopped the seizures & brought back my Bitzy, I was game.
Saturday morning we transferred to our vet. Honestly, & this sucks, I was scared to be around her. I was so nervous for another seizure, but I put it aside & held her close. She was sleepy & anxious at the vet, but they looked her over & were pretty confident the Keppra would stop the seizures. They said she’d be extra tired & hungry, but the side effects would subside when her body got used to the new meds.
We took her home & let her rest. She slept all day. That night she had some anxious moments & was a little restless, but they said this was to be expected with the meds so I just stayed up with her & fed her doggy ice cream until she could calm down & fall back asleep.
Sunday we decided we all needed some fresh air. Bitzy was still sleepy, but she was there. She wasn’t herself, but she was more herself than she had been so we thought some fresh air would do her some good. I was optimistic. She hadn’t had another seizure, so I really thought we were in the clear.
When we got home, things started to go south. She was SO anxious & restless. I thought maybe she was going to have another seizure cause she was pacing & panting (a sign one is coming).
I made a call that night & ended up speaking to a vet who does at home euthanasia. I didn’t call her because I made any decisions. I just wanted a second opinion. I really just wanted someone to tell me what the right thing to do was. I didn’t want my girl to suffer & if her life was either this horribly anxious state or massive seizures- I knew I would have to make a big decision for my most precious baby. She told me she thinks we should go back to the vet in the morning, adjust some of her other meds & try to get her on a steroid. Again, I was semi-hopeful.
Zack had to go to bed because he had work, but I really could just not get her to calm down. I put her upstairs to sleep with Zack cause sometimes she sleeps better upstairs, but she just screamed & screamed for me to get her. I tried to feed her but she wouldn’t eat. Bitzy was a big eater, so this really scared me. Her energy was so off. So not Bitzy.
I laid with her on the ground. I was petting her & I just asked her, “Bitzy, are you ready to go?”. Let me remind you, she was panting/agitated/& so not focused. She stopped panting & she turned her head to me & just started licking my face. Bitzy always has been a face licker, but the past three days I had not gotten more than a few licks. She couldn’t stop licking me. Then, she got up, & walked to her bed & fell asleep.
She finally fell asleep.
*my sweet girl, always looked so stunning in her black sweater*
You may think this is crazy, but Bitzy & I have always been incredibly connected & I truly believe animals can communicate… if you listen. She was telling me it was her time, & although I heard her, I didn’t want to listen.
I sat up & watched her for hours that night & then took her to bed around 3am. At this point, she woke up & she was shivering & her breathing was labored. I wrapped her in a blanket & brought her into bed. She laid on my chest, something she NEVER does, & just stared at me. I know my girls eyes, & these eyes were hurting so bad. She was hurting so bad.
I still didn’t want to make any decisions until I spoke to the vet. In the morning, we went straight there. Bitzy was still very agitated, panting, & her breathing was getting worse bad. They took her straight to the back.
The vet came to the room I was in & agreed, she was not doing well. I told her what the euthanasia vet said. She said we could try steroids, but at this point Bitzy’s blood pressure was through the roof & that meant pain was setting in. We did not want her pain. She said she did feels it was Bitzy’s time. I asked her if I had till tonight & she said yes. My vet, B Street vet, is amazing & Dr. Jenna Olsen is by far the best vet ever. She said she would come over after work & do it at home for us. I called Zack to tell him & he immediately left work.
The vet went to the back to bring Bitzy to me so I could take her home, feed her vanilla ice cream, cuddle her, & say my goodbyes. When she brought Bitzy to me her breathing got 100x worse- they took her straight back again. I was sobbing. I didn’t know what was going on. It was like Bitzy heard she was going home & she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to go home & live in pain longer.
The vet came back in & said Bitzy is on oxygen but she doesn’t feel comfortable taking her off of it & how soon can Zack get here. She said she does not think Bitzy could handle the ride home even. She knows we live 3 minutes away. Zack walked in that minute & I told him it had to happen now. He was very upset, but was able to rush home & get her teepee/pillow/favorite blanket. If she couldn’t be at home, I wanted her to feel comfortable & her teepee was her favorite place in the world.
They took me to the back & let me sit with her while she was on oxygen. Zack was probably only gone 7 minutes but it was the longest 7 minutes of my life. I just kissed her & told her it was gonna be okay & that I was so sorry she was suffering.
Zack got back, they set up the room, & I carried her into her teepee. The vet gave Zack & I some time alone with her. We told her we loved her, we kissed her, we thanked her, we cried… & then it was time. It was peaceful. She went fast. The vet said, when they go fast, they were ready. Maybe she said it to make me feel better, maybe not- either way, in my heart of hearts, I knew she was ready.
My Dad always said, it’s the price the pay when you get a dog. You love them, you care for them, you teach them, they love you, they care for you, they teach you- & then they go before we do. It hurts every time, but you do it over & over again, because the love they give is worth it.
I got so many things sent to me when Bitzy passed, but the one thing that stuck out to me was the words of a 6 year old. I can’t quote verbatim- but basically when asked why dogs don’t live as long as we do the 6 year old said “humans need time to learn how to love, be nice, & treat each other right- dogs already know how to do that when they’re born so they don’t need as much time”.
I take back what I said early about there being nothing to say to someone grieving over their pet- say that. That was a really nice thing to hear.
The night Bitzy died I was not coping well. Back in my highschool days I wrote letters when I was sad. It was cathartic for me & so that night, I wrote Bitzy a letter. This is obviously personal but I wanted to share it for two reasons… first, I wanted to have it here to look at later in life & secondly, I want you guys to know how deep my love for Bitzy was & always will be.
She was & is the most special thing to me. I will cherish & remember her forever & all though rainbow bridge is the saddest fucking thing ever- I really do hope she meets me there.
*the many faces of bitzy*
Dear Bitzy,
Do you remember our first week together? I got you under some pretty sad circumstances. I had just lost a sweet 6 month old puppy. I was sadder than I knew possible *until now*.
Your grandma & grandpa talked on the phone & decided that the best way for me to heal was to find me a new baby to love. I said no. I didn’t want to replace Coco. It didn’t feel right… but your grandma took me out all day to look for a new pup. We looked till 9pm & saw atleast 20 puppies that day. I didn’t smile once. I was just too sad.
We ended our day almost to MEXICO looking at puppies. The drive home was 40 minutes. It was almost 10pm when we we got off our exit. Your grandma’s phone rang. It was a VERY enthusiastic hispanic man on the other line. We had called A LOT of people that day looking to see their puppies, he was apparently one of them.
He said immediately “YOU HAVEEEE TO SEE MY BABY. She is wonderful, she is magical, she is the best Yorkie you will ever see. She is my angel. Her name is FLOR (spanish for flower) & she is AMAZING“.
I still said no, you & me both- very stubborn. I was done for the day, but your Grandma had a feeling & when she has a feeling… she’s not gonna give up. We turned around, right back to where we JUST were, 40 minutes away back to the border.
We got to the house, which was in the back of a store that sells wooden doors. We walked past the doors & ended up in a living room. We didn’t see any dogs… but he whistled & out came your mom Yorkie, your dad Yorkie, your uncle Yorkie, & then… tumbling behind them was the cutest tiniest fluffiest baby. You!! Running full speed all the way till you got to me.
He told us you were the only baby in the liter & that you were the smartest dog he had ever met (truth!). For the first time of the day, probably the whole week, I smiled. We brought you home that night… but we didn’t have the best first week together.
You didn’t seem to love me at first & I was hesitant with you. I didn’t understand why you didn’t want to cuddle. From day one, you were a seriously independant tiny girl. On top of that, I had just lost a dog so I was very scared to love you. I was scared to love you because I knew that one day your time would come & it would hurt so bad to lose you. I was right. The second I fell in love with you, I knew it was game over.
You stole my heart my girl & it fucking kills me that you’re gone.
You & I were attached at the hip. Always together. You went everywhere with me. You have been the ONE constant in my life. No matter what, you were there & we had a bond I don’t think I can even put into words for the people reading this. Whenever I was sad you would let go of your independant nature & lick my tears & lay in bed with me as long as I needed. Whenever I had a tough day & needed to work some shit out, I’d lay with you & say “let’s put our heads together” & you, smart girl, would bow your head & we’d sit there with our heads together. We put our heads together last night, your last night here on this planet. Thank you for giving me that one more time. That’s 1 of 1 million things I will really miss about you.
You were the toughest, smartest, & most resilient dog in the entire universe. You’ve been through a lot in your lifetime, but you were so strong so many years. Something got you towards the end & you just couldn’t fight this one my tiny wonder.
Do you remember the time we moved from one house to another house two blocks up? Do you remember when you snuck out of the house? Grandma was driving around the neighborhood screaming for you & I was running up & down the streets like a maniac. We were SO SCARED. We heard someone scream, it was the person living at our old house. She screamed so loud “SHE’S HERE!!!”.
We got there asap & you know where we found you? At the top of the stairs waiting my the front door. You, my love, are better at directions than your Mama!
We have had such a wonderful life together, we have experienced so many amazing things together, & I hope you left with so many good memories of us together. I am lucky we took so many photos together, I will relive those memories over & over again.
Also- your Dad LOVES YOU so much & his heart is so heavy without your kisses. I am so happy you got him as a dog Dad. It was you who made him understand the magic of tiny dogs. It’s weird, but guys sometimes don’t love a tiny dog. Your Dad didn’t love the idea of small dogs before he met you, but you changed his world. It was you who taught him to be such a good Dad to Ruby as well. Which also, I know you weren’t the biggest fan of Ru, but man does she miss you. You know how sensitive she is & today I just caught her staring at your teepee. She does lay in their sometimes, don’t be mad. I want the teepee in the house & it’s not fun looking at it empty all the time.
Our last few days together weren’t easy my girl. I hated seeing you suffer. I have spent the past 13 years tending to your every need (you where a whiney little girl & I will forever miss the sound of your sweet whine) but when things went south, I couldn’t tend to your needs as well cause I couldn’t fix what was going on. You weren’t you & I knew I wasn’t gonna let you not be you.
Our last night together, you told me it was your time. People may think I am crazy cause of this, but we both know, my smart girl, you told me you were done. You laid on my chest that night (something you would never do), you were shivering a lot which was really scary & you just looked at me in a way that reached deep in my soul. I heard you.
When we got to the vet, you let go. You made your decision & my only job at that point was to love you & tell you it was okay to go. I knew it was too much for you. You lived a life of being the strongest girl ever & I am so proud of you for that. You were my little fighter but your tiny body couldn’t fight this battle & I am happy you are no longer suffering.
I am gonna be sad for a long long time without you my girl. I miss you like crazy. This feels like every heartbreak I have ever had times 1000. I hear a little noise & I think it’s your tiny little feet walking across the cement floors. I see a shoe in the corner of my eye & I think it’s you laying there.
There is a Bitzy shaped hole in my heart right now & it hurts. You were such a tiny thing, but you filled this house up with your larger than life attitude. I don’t want you to worry about me though, I am gonna be okay. It’s gonna take time, but I will be okay & I promise I will think about you every single day.
I really hope stay with me & maybe if I am super lucky, come back to me one day.
You were my best friend, my baby, & my greatest teacher. You taught me responsibility, you taught me how to love selflessly & endlessly, you taught me how handle stressful situations calmly (like the time you got attacked by a dog & survived like a BOSS!!!), & your last/greatest lesson of all- you taught me how to be strong. I stayed *pretty* strong for you this past week (a few freak outs, but I tried to go outside) & I did more than I thought I was capable of. That’s a pretty big lesson from such a tiny teacher.
I love you forever my sweet baby girl. Thank you for being such a wonderful friend to me & such a good girl. So proud of you angel.
– your Mom & biggest fan
I know this has been a really long/sad/emotional post & I am grateful if you’ve made it to the end. I really just wanted & needed to get this all out on “paper”, so I appreciate you for listening. She was my world & I am grateful I will forever have this post to look at 10 years down the road.
