I am not gonna lie, this post is giving major anxiety right now. Talking about anxiety always gives me anxiety. My therapist would say it’s because I am not great at being vulnerable. SO, we’re going there today.
I brought up the topic of phobias on Instagram recently, & it appears like a lot of people are horrified of a lot of weird shit. SAME. I promised I’d share mine on the blog, so although I am dreading writing all this out, I know it’s important. With all of the tragic events in the media lately, it’s just important to keep the conversation about mental health going.
Mental illness is an invisible disease, which is what makes it so damn hard to spot. Even looking at these pictures of me, it oddly makes me question if I have made up this whole anxiety thing. Did the hypochondriac in me decide I have anxiety? Or did the anxiety make me a hypochondriac? I just appear SO calm/chill/together, I don’t look like someone who shakes profusely & gets heart palpitations when booking an airline ticket (yes, this just happened 10 minutes ago).
I am obviously not a doctor & have never been diagnosed with phobias (can doctors diagnose that?), but I am a professional Google-r, so I am pretty positive I’ve got atleast three phobias & a handful of anxiety triggers. Anxiety triggers are my mini phobias, I can differentiate, but it’s definitely a fine line.
SO- I guess I’m just gonna go ahead & break ’em all down for you (palms are so sweaty rn) along with some of my GO-TO tools for keeping my shit together.
MY ANXIETY TRIGGERS & PHOBIAS
Anxiety Trigger No.1: Travel
Okay so this is probably my BIGGEST anxiety trigger in the world. There is not one part about travelling that I can pinpoint as a trigger, it’s the whole thing. The months leading up to a trip are a near hell for me. As I said, booking a plane ticket makes my heart beat out of my chest. We just booked a trip to Europe for end of August & I already am losing sleep over it.
First of all, the plane is the fucking worst. I hate flying. I think very catastrophically & I think everything is a sign. I hate that I can’t get off if I want to. I hate that I can’t get fresh air. I feel trapped. What if there is a medical emergency for me? What if there is a medical emergency for someone else? What if I get sick? What if I have to sit next to someone sick?
**I do like to read this article before getting on a flight, it helps calm my nerves**
Then there is the being away from home part. Far from my creature comforts, far from my mom, & far from my dogs. Worried if something will go wrong, worried I will get homesick… I always make my promise if I really need her she will fly to me. She always agrees & is the best mom ever cause she would do it too.
Once I get there though, I am okay… which is why I don’t consider this a phobia. It doesn’t stop me from travelling, just makes it really fucking hard.
Anxiety Trigger No.2: Throwing up
I have always been horrified of throwing up. I have thrown up less than 5 times my entire life. I will do anything to avoid it & have all of the tricks. There is no reason for this, but I can remember every time I have thrown up in vivid detail. No matter what, it’s traumatizing for me.
Some of the things I do when I am nauseous: tap my wrists together (pressure points to ease nausea), drink sparkling water, eat a ginger chew, take some Nux Vomica (game changer), sniff peppermint essential oil, & sometimes a bath helps.
I would have put this one as a phobia, but just recently (sorry this is gross) I got sick & it wasn’t horrible. I even woke Zack up to tell him & he honestly gave me a high five. It was a huge accomplishment for me.
Anxiety Trigger No.3: Confrontation
I USED TO BE THE QUEEN OF CONFRONTATION back in highschool. Not gonna lie, I was pretty scrappy. Nowadays, confrontation is literally the worst case scenario. FOR EXAMPLE- the other day at the farmers market we got this nasty brisket & threw it away… then we wanted tamales at the booth right next to the brisket booth. I was freaking out the brisket guy was gonna be mad at us so Zack had to go get the tamales while I hid. Not sure when I became such a pussy, but confrontation is a real sweaty palm situation.
Anxiety Trigger No.4: Driving
I prefer to drive as little as humanely possible & Zack always drives us everywhere. I don’t trust other people on the road & it’s just so dangerous/scary sometimes. This isn’t my BIGGEST trigger as I am fine majority of the time, but if I have to go on a long drive that’s when I start to freak out. I also drive like a grandma. When I drove a stick shift I was MUCH more confident behind the wheel, which I guess people say is common cause you feel in more control. IDK, I just don’t like driving. We even joke, that Zack & I could share a car cause I drive so little.
Anxiety Trigger: Mice
This is a new one & I am still on the fence if I am phobic territory or not, it’s sitting on the border. Everyone who follows me on Instagram knows about my saga with the mice. If you don’t, we had mice & it was a fucking horrific week for me while dealing with it. I never have had mice so I didn’t know I was this scared of them. I didn’t go downstairs for a week, & if I had to go downstairs I needed Zack to come with me (few times he had to carry me, I kid you not).
What I put the rodent guy through when he came over was pretty intense. In retrospect, should’ve tipped him. I made him literally take apart my entire house to make sure there wasn’t a single mouse. I made Zack order in all of our food & made him eat with me upstairs in the office watching Top Chef Jr. on the computer. I sat on the stairs for an hour watching one specific mouse run around my fucking living room & just sat there crying. I stayed up till 4am one night looking for a new place to live. I felt violated & am forever feel traumatized of mice
Now for the phobias… I’m nervous.
Phobia No.1: Tokophobia
Okay, honestly, this is the hard one for me to talk about. I could dedicate a whole post to this, but I don’t know if I could handle that. This is 100% a phobia for me. No doubt about it.
It is the fear of pregnancy & it’s annoying. I am 30 years old, this needs to get handled, but it’s just one thing that horrifies me. I do see the beauty in bringing life into the world, MY SISTER IS A MIDWIFE FOR GOODNESS SAKE (ironic, right?!), & I am obsessed with babies… but pregnancy/birth scares the shit out of me.
Don’t judge me for this please, it just feels alien like. I can’t picture myself being pregnant, not knowing my own body, feeling something else in my body, throwing up often, giving birth, & then HAVING A HUMAN TO TAKE CARE OF. It feels scary, it feels unknown, & it just feels like too much for me to handle. I am sure a lot of people feel this, but I am not sure if they feel it to his extent. Maybe they do, & if so, I want to talk to them.
This one pisses me off the most. I don’t want this one. I want kids, for sure, I just have to get over this situation. The reason I am so anxious talking about this is because if I do get pregnant I will probably be be embarrassed about this post & feel like all eyes are on me… BUT Tokophobia is something NO ONE wants to talk about. I have spent a lot of time googling Tokophobia & there just isn’t much, so hopefully this post makes the world feel smaller for someone else. TO THAT PERSON- email me, let’s chat (esp. if you have kids AND Tokophobia, I wanna pick your brain!).
Phobia No. 2: Odonotophobia
The fear of teeth.
Weird, I know… but this one is a huge fear for me due to some PTSD. In highschool I dated a guy who got in fights. WE ALL KNOW THIS GUY. Drinks too much & always takes an altercation a step too far. No sugar coating it. He wasn’t what you’d call a nice guy…
One night outside a bar we were waiting for cab (Uber wasn’t a thing yet… I’m old) & he got into a verbal argument with a large guys. We thought the guy left, but actually he was just getting his friends. They ended up jumping him & I will spare you the gory details, but the guy I was dating ended up with no teeth.
NO FUCKING TEETH. I literally can’t even discuss this cause it is still so vivid in my brain. This scarred me for life. I am fine at the dentist, but if there is a loose tooth situation I go into a serious tailspin. I have nightmares about teeth. Other than being scared of being pregnant, I am just as scared to have a 6 year old with loose teeth. Nope, I will move out till the adult teeth come in.
My Anxiety Toolkit: How I Cope
Now that you guys think I am a total hot fucking mess, let’s talk about how I keep my shit together!
+ Somatic Therapy: this type of therapy is one I have found to be most effective for me. I have not done well with talk therapy, but this is a combination of talking & finding practical/hands on ways to deal with your anxiety. It’s focused a lot around healing trauma, mindfulness, & actually working to heal the nervous system. There is a lot of techniques that you can do to help retrain your thought process (which I will share a few below!) & it focuses a lot on shifting your thoughts out of your temporal lobe (the animalistic part of your brain, flight or fight) to your frontal cortex (the rational part of your brain). If you are in San Diego & want to know who I go to, email me! This is also a great book if you want to learn more about Somatic healing.
+ Soft Fabrics: one of the first things I learned from my Somatic therapist was that touching soft fabrics can help bring you out of the animal part of your brain & into the rational part of your brain. The act of touching something soft helps bring awareness to the current moment which helps greatly to reduce anxiety. I always keep a fur purse pouf either on or in my purse for this exact reason.
I also keep anxiety playdough in my purse which has a similar effect & it’s infused with lavender essential oils. I AM OBSESSED.
+ Holding Yourself: okay so you’re not actually holding yourself, but kind of containing yourself? This is a really good graphic to show the different ways to do it (or have someone else do it?). Basically, the act of holding yourself as seen in the graphic helps you feel secure, & when you have your hand to your heart & stomach it stimulates the Vagus nerve. The Vagus nerve is the nerve that runs through your whole body & connects the brain to the digestive tract/organs/etc. By stimulating this nerve you are stimulating the mind/body connection which will help greatly in reducing anxiety.
+ CALM magnesium powder: this is a MUST HAVE for all anxiety sufferers I bring little to-go packs on the plane with me when travelling. You add the powder to your water & not only does it help you sleep, but magnesium works wonders on calming your mind.
+ Grounding: grounding is a big part of Somatic therapy as the act of associating with your surroundings also helps to bring you back to the present moment. Two of the easiest ways to ground yourself is to put your feet on the ground & observe your surroundings. Look around you and focus on three things that draw your attention. EASY & it really does help.
+ Prescription meds: I am on anxiety medicine regularly, but a pretty small dose. When shit gets really bad, I have my emergency anxiety pills. These are a last resort & I try to do other things before taking one of these. I call them mini Xanax, cause they chill you out but are equivalent to like 1/16th of a Xanax. They are called Lamictal & I have 5mg ones. When all else fails, these do the trick.
what I’m wearing
cause although I MAY NOT HAVE MY LIFE TOGETHER, but I do have my outfits together haha.
Lab No.25 zebra crop top by Ronny Kobo | I.AM.GIA Harper shorts | Public Desire barely there heels | Le Specs cat eye sunglasses | gold chain link earrings (sold out- similar)